Debbie Janelle: Below the Surface

Discouraged

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 04:02:11 GMT

I've been discouraged for a while now. Not sure discouraged is the best word but for lack of a better one I'll use it. Partly because looking into the world around me is down right draining. I've been reading a book over the last couple weeks that has exposed various worldviews that people hold. They are so hopeless, so illogical, so individualistic and so intricately embedded into all of culture and life, even the church. When asked we would of course declare that God has created the world and that salvation is only through Jesus Christ. And yet we, I, live as though I can choose my own way and am not accountable to anyone, let alone God. When it is said bluntly: all choices are morally equal and so there is no such things as sin and therefore no right and wrong, my response is immediate and emphatic that this is not true. And yet I live a lifestyle based on that assumption, denying it all the while with my mind and heart.

We've lost our fear of God. We've lost a sense that He is awesome in the sense of creating awe. Romans 3:18 says "There is no fear of God before their eyes." Although we believe He exists and have trusted Jesus for salvation, we act like He isn't going to judge us or hold us accountable. I don't. As long as no one confronts me I must be doing okay.

Which is really where this bout of discouragement has started. The culture aspect has followed but it really started within. Tracing it back I think it began one evening as a group of us were planning for a missions weekend our church held. We were discussing what we as a church really need to do and how important prayer is and on and on. One of those 'rah, rah' sessions where all the problems are diagnosed and all the solutions given and the participants walk away feeling good that we've solved the worlds' problems and do nothing to implement the solutions we've discovered. At one point in the meeting I got tired and cried within, "I'm tired of being challenged and not changed!"

I look out and I see hopelessness. I look in and I see a young woman with good intentions and desires who is largely unchanged, unmotivated and independent of God. Part of me wants to stay in this discouragement because then at least I'm feeling something and can even pretend that I'm accomplishing something. Reminds me of the many times that I've conned myself into believing I was being productive by staying in bed and pressing my snooze button for the umpteenth time. I am not who I want to be. And in a moment of uncharacteristic honesty I'm going to say that I'm not even someone who deserves to be financially supported or applauded in the ministry sense. I'm not looking for people to be condescending and say things like "Debbie, you're not that bad..." I dare you. Look into what I do. Investigate. How effective is my life? How much sway does God have in it? And then please, be honest and help me.

I'm not who I would be. I'm not who I preach at others to be.

And yet, and yet... even today God gives hope. "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)

Crazy

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 02:33:26 GMT

I really did not expect it to happen. It's what I've been praying for off and on for almost three years but I didn't expect it. And definitely not like this.

My dad called a bit ago to tell me that someone had called and asked if he knew someone who needs a car. He proceeded to tell me about the car, it's good points, it's bad points and then told me this, "He wouldn't get very much for it so he's giving it away." WHAT!?!??! That sounds like something from some spiritual hero's testimony or something. I mean, sure, it has crossed my mind as a way God could move and maybe even the only way to get a car, but it seemed too crazy. Too unrealistic.

But here I am praising God. I expect so little of Him. Maybe I expect so little because I really don't pray about things like this much...at all. Maybe because I really don't feel like I deserve it. Partly because I couldn't imagine that anyone would be generous enough to give ME a car. It really is a grace of God. Undeserved by me for sure. But it's kind of like how He works in my life all the time. It really amazes me how God touches people through me. Not because I'm such a good people person, not because I'm qualified for anything I do, not even because I do everything I should do because none of those things is true. Yet somehow, God has grace in my life and uses my daily bumblings.

Not only that but He's changing me from within. What a grace that is. That even though I am still SO far, I'm not where I once was. It's not me. It's not my hard work. It's not my discipline. It's the Spirit bearing fruit despite me.

Praise God! For His gifts, material and spiritual. Hallelujah, what a God!

For my Future Husband

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 06:42:16 GMT

"Love is patient, love is kind." I read that today and thought of you. It put a smile on my face and reminded me that there is a purpose to the waiting. In some ways the wait has been good. It will make getting to know you that much sweeter. For now I am content, not knowing who or where you are but hoping that our paths will cross soon. In the mean time I think of you from time to time and pray that you are waiting for me. Not just by keeping yourself sexually pure, although that too, but by praying for me and by learning from the men and women around you how to grow in being a man of God. I pray that in the waiting you will be learning some of the lessons that I'm learning about what marriage means and what our roles are going to be. I pray that you are learning how to be a leader as I'm learning how to submit and serve.

But sometimes what's most on my mind is how unprepared I am to meet you and start a relationship. As long as it's not reality I can imagine that our relationship is going to be perfect and pain free. But I know that is not going to happen. I know that even with all my knowledge I'm going to make mistakes and have a hard time following your lead. I know that there is still a lot of pride that is going to balk at the idea of submission. I know there's still a lot of selfishness that will flare it's ugly head. I don't want to bring that into our relationship. As part of this waiting process I want God to chisel away at these rough edges.

Even though it will mean some pain and self denial, I am looking forward to our lives together. So come soon.

Because of Jesus

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 05:22:30 GMT

Previously my tagline was "Expectantly Run Towards." This has been a reminder to me to run forward in faith that God's going to do what He says He's going to do. Good reminder, but I've changed my tagline. For some time I've been frequently ending my correspondence with "Because of Christ", or "Because of Jesus." Every time I write it, it reminds me of this very simple fact: anything in me that is good is Jesus.

I was just reminded tonight that I am not always a friendly person and can be down right hard to talk to. As I drove slowly I listened to the words of the Grand Prize song posted below and asked the question I've asked from time to time.

"Why?"

"Why, Lord, have You chosen me? Why have You placed me here? Why have You placed me in youth ministry? And even more crazy, why have You touched lives through me?" I ask these questions not in a blaming tone but rather one of awe and mystery. I don't get it. I'm so not there. But despite me, to my ever increasing awe, God moves on, because of Jesus. Because He's changing me within.

Who Am I?

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 05:02:02 GMT

Who am I?

What have I done?

That You love me through Your son?

~ Grand Prize

Beautiful criticism.